Monday, September 27, 2010

Point and Shoot: Mum’s still making daisy chains.

My Mum came to visit on the weekend.
She took the boys to the playground and taught them how to make daisy chains... even after they were long gone and playing on the slides, she was still there, making daisy chains.
Hmmm, I may have to go and check...she still might be there...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Can I eat that?

My beloved husband, The Ninja, has just been perusing our fridge in search of snacks. Whilst pulling out jar after jar of dubious provisions, he suggested I write about things you find in the fridge that you’re not sure you should eat or not...and not just the bi-carb soda either...

While three quarters of our fridge is a safe food zone. A haven where you are guaranteed to be able to grab what ever, eat it straight away (or zap it in the microwave) and not die of amoebic dysentery...the top shelf of our fridge is the condiment shelf. Otherwise known as the shelf where jars go to die. The Chutney Cemetery.
This shelf I’m not too sure of. I mostly like to keep a wide berth from it. Occasionally I will drift in there in search of a jar of crushed garlic, ginger or chilli or a stray tub of yoghurt that has wandered too far from its flock. But mostly I leave it alone. Pretend it’s not there, like a weird uncle at a funeral who’s had too many shandies. I’m very wary of it!
What is on this shelf? Well, while wandering through Farmer’s markets we tend to pick up delicious home made sauces, marmalades and assorted preserves. We also have family members who give us gifts of jams and conserves that all get lovingly placed on this shelf. Then I must lose my memory of putting it in there in a tragic fridge door closing accident.
I do try and keep it clean though! I’m positive I throw most stuff out, but the jars in there must either going at it like little beaker bunnies or are reproducing by jarthenogenesis.
Because I’m sure I didn’t buy that many portions of pickles or receptacles of relish that are in there.
At least it’s not like my Dad’s place where there was a jar of capers sitting in the fridge that was 5 years past its use by date. I wept the day he threw them out, they were like part of the family, it was more like they were leaving home than going in the bin. My little capers going off to college...
So, The Ninja finally found his kasoundi, smeared it on his bickies, and walked off, leaving the top shelf as it was. He didn’t go through anything, he didn’t throw anything out, he just wanted me to write about it. Thanks hon...

How’s your condiments shelf?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Where the child-things are...

They're in the back yard stalking their lunch.
Today is big cat safari day at my place.

We have a very rare Atti-tiger, 

and the mystical Jaffa-leopard.

I have just observed them climbing over the car, sniffing the air for any traces of 2 minute noodles.

Monday, September 20, 2010

That Edwin Starr is full of shit!

“I said, War...huh...Good God, y'all. What is it good for?       Absolutely nothing”.
I beg to differ!
My usual philosophy of “Make Tea, Not War” has been thrown out the window this week with the presence of a very threatening home invader.
This thief in the night has disrupted my pantry’s quiet living, as it steals in during the night and robs me of my snacks.
May I introduce to you...Satanmouse!

It is this repulsive rodent that has caused me to declare war on all things Mus musculus!
I have detected signs of him around my house for a little while now, and have been quietly hoping that my little mousetrap that I have laid down would have been enough to rid my house of this nocturnal nuisance.
Until today. Until I opened my pantry and found myself face to whiskered face (his, not mine) with his beady little eyes! Not only was this filthy creature in my pantry, but he was eating MY Barbecue Shapes biscuits!!
How the hell does a mouse get up to the 4th self of a cupboard? What kind of climbing skills do these animals have? Do they use some kind of rock climbing equipment? Was anyone out there aware of mice being able to obtain jetpacks?

I may have tolerated him for a while longer, and not declared all out war, if he was happy to forage on the floor for dropped morsels from the kids (until he was eventually snapped up by my strategically placed mousetrap). Not levitating through my pantry and eating MY food!
So, (after throwing out 99.637% of my food stores that weren’t safely sealed within their little Tupperware bunkers) I have armed myself to the teeth with mousetraps, Ratsack, my home made Bazooka-Mousetrap hybrid and a Hessian bag full of Anthrax. (Why? To show off more of my amazingly dodgy Photoshopping skills of course!)

All I have to do now is bide my time and wait. That little sucker’s days are numbered!
I long for the day when peace, once again, reigns in my pantry, and my Barbecue Shapes are free to roam the shelves unhindered from foreign enemies.

Monday, September 13, 2010

I’ve lost my youth...Do I have to grow up now?


Today is my birthday.

Today I am 36.

I have been hanging on to “youth” by the ends of my fingernails for quite some time now,(the muscles in my fingertips have developed to such an extreme that my fingers look like mushrooms) and I think I finally have to accept now that my youth has passed.

Youth has been given many age variants, from 13-19 to 15-25 to 15-29, but I have been choosing to follow The Danish Youth Council’s lead when they say "Youth is defined as any member of society between the ages of 15 and 35".

But I no longer can even squeeze myself into that category...My youth has packed it’s bags, written me a long and heartfelt “Dear John” letter and bought a one way ticket to The Bahamas (where it will obviously indulge itself on all the fake tanning, Brazilian waxing and Pina Coladas I refused to EVER give it!!)

But does that mean I will have to grow up? Will I have to start “acting my age?”

Will I have to trade my Dunlop Volleys for orthopedic boat shoes with tassels? Am I still allowed to buy mixed lollies? Must I give up on my Transformers obsession (and Astroboy too)? Do I have to start wearing beige now?!!!

Although there have been many times in my life (mostly recently) that my body has felt old, and when the bills have piled up, or one of my family members has been sick, I have had to be responsible. Still I don’t really know if I am quite ready to “grow up”.

When I was about 25, I was walking along the street one sunny Autumn day. I noticed an approaching elderly lady, slowly shuffling along. I was about 5 metres away from her when she stopped under a deciduous tree, the fallen flame-like leaves crunched under her feet as she swayed unsteadily. She looked up at me, grinned cheekily, and proceeded to do a merry gig amongst the autumn debris, kicking up the leaves until she was dancing in her own little autumnal whirlwind.

This has always been one of my favourite memories. If I can retain my youth the way that lady did, I think I will die happily.

So, If you’ll excuse me, I have some aging disgracefully to do.

At what age did you feel “grown up”? Or are you like me and refuse to do it?

Friday, September 10, 2010

I told you I was Ill!


The Grim Reaper perused his floordrobe (Reapers aren’t renowned for their housekeeping skills) and picked up a fur coat and popped it on. He then donned some white gloves his Nanna knitted, and rummaged through the pile for his fluffy bunny slippers.
Once found he shuffled them on, he made his way to the library where a roaring fire was waiting for him. He then loaded up his scythe with marshmallows and sat in front of the fire to toast them.
“Mmmmmm, toasty!” sighed the Reaper.

This is how I feel today...Like Death warmed up.

This would have to be the longest and most drawn out “sick season” in history! I know a few households (like mine) who have been constantly sick this whole winter in a never ending splutter of coughs and sneezes.
How has your family fared this “sick season”?

Monday, September 6, 2010

It’s a Poo-tastrophe!

Why can’t my child find a nice art medium to work with?
Try some paint, pencils or a whole bottle of PVA glue!
But no, he doesn’t want to work with those boring things,
My child prefers to express himself artistically with Poo!

He went down for his afternoon snooze so easily,
I get so much done while he’s down for his nap.
But today he awoke with a surprise for Mummy,
Because half his room was all covered in crap!

It’s not the first time he’s done this kind of thing,
We quite often face-off in this gross imbroglio,
I’ve got to find a way for him to stop this disgusting habit,
Because he’s collecting himself an impressive fecal-folio.

Does anyone else have this problem, or am I alone?
Is there someone I can talk to, or maybe join a group?
I’m getting pretty desperate! I’m willing to try anything!
I can’t go through it again, cleaning up all that poop!

I haven’t taken any photos, you don’t need any proof.
The whole grossness-level is way off the chart!
But If I was to exhibit his “artistic expressions”,
I’d have to call it “Follow Through - A great work OFART”.