Friday, August 12, 2011

Not tonight honey... We're being invaded by aliens!

Ahh, the joys of sex, there are many, many many joys! :P

But there are also the days where you are completely exhausted from lack of sleep, you have a pile of dishes in the sink, you haven't shaved your legs in three weeks, and would rather just use the bed for sleeping thank-you-very-much!

So I have come up with some tips for getting out of getting it on!

1. The Cleaning Cover-up:

Ask hubby to give you a hand with the housework before you hit the sheets. If de-grouting the bathroom doesn't turn him off, next get him to clean out the fridge crisper... If he's still in the mood...start worrying about his sanity!

2.The Fake Footy Feint:

"OMG! Aren't the South Chinkapook Goldfish playing the Fraser Island Fuzzy Bunnies? You'd better go watch it! I hear it will be the match of the year!" (Feel free to replace football with your sport of choice, Bog snorkeling, Cheese rolling...)

3. The Pain Pretext:

Forget the old "Not tonight honey, I've got a headache", they'll only tell you that it's good for headaches. Instead, pull out the big guns, a double whammy of ouchy and cringy, "Not tonight honey, I have a urinary tract infection."

4. The Boys-are-awake Bluff:

Pretend you just heard the kids coming down the hallway... and they'll be here any second!!!!

5. The Sexy Stalling Strategy:

"Just let me slip into something more comfortable". Tell hubby you'll just go freshen up, head to the bathroom and slip into something more a deep sleep on the bath mat!

If all else fails, you're still not in the mood and hubby is still trying to get amorous... Then there's nothing left but to fake your own death and go start a new life in Mexico selling coconuts that make sounds like horses galloping...

Are you always up for it? Or do you have some good "avoidance" techniques you can share with us?


Mrs Woog said...

Wise words xx

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Brilliant stuff!

Voluptacon said...

Thanks guys. Now, gotta go drink some cranberry juice :P

Lene said...

Excellent! Some excuses for tonight! I've had a sleepless week with a sick toddler....avoidance techniques, here I come!

Voluptacon said...

Hope they worked for you Lene :P

Diminishing Lucy said...

Ahhh, so true. Helpful handy hints here, thank you!

My preference currently is "Off to bed early. Wake me when you come to bed..."

At 9.30pm, chances are he will watch crap on SBS for a while and fall asleep on the couch, stumble to bed at midnight - by which time I am far too deeply asleep to ever wake, or indeed care about offending him when I tell him to bugger off...

Thank you for linking up with the Weekend Rewind!