Whoops! I just killed Dora!

It's not that I'm psychotic (well, not really). But some days I just get so sick of the characters on Children's TV, that I would really like to see them killed off.

They kill off characters on TV shows all the time! Neighbours, The Bold and The Beautiful, Home and Away... Why not kids shows too?
So rather than put my foot through my TV screen, I've decided to kill them off in prose.

Just imagine that annoying little Dora,
The one who explores at great pace.
If her purple backpack contained no oxygen,
and her map sent her exploring deep space!

Then there's those helium filled rodents,
Who go by the name "Chipmunks".
If they were hired to sing on an arctic cruise,
And an evil iceberg got them all sunk!

The ballet dancing, tutu wearing mouse,
The one they call Angelina Ballerina,
Disappears when pirouetting past Swan Lake,
... and since then nobody's seen her.

Pat was the eternally chirpy postman,
But Jess his black and white cat,
didn't guess where the bomb was hidden,
Now he's called Roastman Pat.

(Roastman Pat, Roastman Pat, Roastman Pat and his BBQ'd cat)



Poor old Dorothy the Dinosaur,
She was the last of her kind you see,
But now she's extinct like the rest of them.
Someone had poisoned her rosy tea.



Lastly those pyjama clad brothers,
Known as B1 and B2,
Were last seen running away from,
some gorillas who'd escaped from the zoo.




Do you have a kids TV character that you don't like that you'd like to see killed off? Or do you like all the characters on children's TV?

I confess. I still miss you!

It's been four years, but I still miss you.


You were there with me for so many years, but now you're gone. Some may call me crazy, but I do miss you.


You were there with me though all kinds of crazy times.


In my 20s, when I suffered from horrible panic attacks, you were there with me in the middle of the night when I thought I was going to die.


You were there when my heart was broken by silly boys.


My best friend, you and I all shared our ups and downs together. Staying up all night chatting and laughing until we cried. We were all never far away from each other.


You were also there for all the good times. The times we'd stay out all night, catching the first tram of the morning home, walking through the front door all crumpled and dishevilled. I'd sleep for the rest of the day, get up eventually, and we'd watch the sunset from the back porch. Sitting in silence together, amazed at the beauty of nature, and hungover as hell!


You were there when I used to visit my Nanna, Nan Fras. Nan also loved your company. We would sit there for hours of a weekend afternoon, eating a lunch of Mars Bars and instant coffee while she talked of her wonderful life. You were also there for me when she died. You sat with me on her grave as we talked to her. I'm sure she would have felt your presence as much as mine.


But my relationship with you had to end, and you had to go away.


I miss cigarettes. I miss smoking.


I think there are two types of ex-smokers. The anti-smoking kind who will rant against the evils of tobacco. And then there's those like me. Those who loved smoking, and as much as they know how bad it is for themselves and others, they'll understand when someone lights up, smile ... and then go stand next to them and inhale deeply.


Have you ever smoked? Do you miss it at all, or do you hate it?

Not tonight honey... We're being invaded by aliens!

Ahh, the joys of sex, there are many, many many joys! :P

But there are also the days where you are completely exhausted from lack of sleep, you have a pile of dishes in the sink, you haven't shaved your legs in three weeks, and would rather just use the bed for sleeping thank-you-very-much!

So I have come up with some tips for getting out of getting it on!

1. The Cleaning Cover-up:

Ask hubby to give you a hand with the housework before you hit the sheets. If de-grouting the bathroom doesn't turn him off, next get him to clean out the fridge crisper... If he's still in the mood...start worrying about his sanity!

2.The Fake Footy Feint:

"OMG! Aren't the South Chinkapook Goldfish playing the Fraser Island Fuzzy Bunnies? You'd better go watch it! I hear it will be the match of the year!" (Feel free to replace football with your sport of choice, Bog snorkeling, Cheese rolling...)

3. The Pain Pretext:

Forget the old "Not tonight honey, I've got a headache", they'll only tell you that it's good for headaches. Instead, pull out the big guns, a double whammy of ouchy and cringy, "Not tonight honey, I have a urinary tract infection."

4. The Boys-are-awake Bluff:

Pretend you just heard the kids coming down the hallway... and they'll be here any second!!!!

5. The Sexy Stalling Strategy:

"Just let me slip into something more comfortable". Tell hubby you'll just go freshen up, head to the bathroom and slip into something more comfortable...like a deep sleep on the bath mat!



If all else fails, you're still not in the mood and hubby is still trying to get amorous... Then there's nothing left but to fake your own death and go start a new life in Mexico selling coconuts that make sounds like horses galloping...



Are you always up for it? Or do you have some good "avoidance" techniques you can share with us?

Come dry with me... Let's dry away...

Ohhh! Look at me!

I'm ever so environmentally conscious, with my laundry-in-the-lounge!

On rainy days I have rows of clothes spread over my indoor lines like deflated kookaburras sittin' on the 'lectric wires (That's not even a good simile Lyndell! Gosh!)

My drying room is redolent of the fabric softener of the day, "Mountain Breeze", "Ocean Mist", "Woodland Glade" or "Sulphuric Lava Flow", and I get to be ever-so-gently brushed by my garments as I walk through them.

I like that we are saving energy as well, since we don't have a dryer our clothes are left to dry as we heat the rest of the house...

Who am I kidding? I'd KILL for dryer!

It's the dead of Winter. It's cold, it's wet, it's miserable and I just want dry, fluffy clothes! I want to burn a hole in the ozone layer above my house in the shape of that porthole that opens into the magical appliance that removes the dankness from my dresses, the sogginess from my socks and unsaturates my underwear.

Don't get me wrong! It's great to have ethics, and go about living your life without harming the environment. But when It's the middle of the night, and you have two kids vomiting all over their beds, and you're using the last of your moth eaten tablecloths as bedding, ethics don't dry your clothes!

I think tax time I'll be buying a dryer.


Could you live without your dryer during the Winter months? Or are you quite happy with a drying room inside?

Renovations, Elvis and The Hustle

As I glanced up at the clock on the mantle I was surprised that it was gone...Even more I was surprised that it had been replaced with Elvis.

"You should really get rid of those brown woollen curtains and replace them with a nice damask curtain with voile backing and a waved valance..." he mumbled in the general direction of my windows.

"Fuck off Elvis!" I yelled, "No one wants your fucking curtain advice!!"

As the ghost of the long dead rock star disappeared with a poof and a gelationous smear, I was left pondering... Those curtains really are hideous! And... I'd kill for a deep fried cheeseburger right now, extra pickles.

I have been living in my house for 5 years now and our renovations are coming along very slowly.

My partner and I are kind of like one of those revovation shows gone wrong. We've ripped up the carpet in the whole house, and only the lounge room floor has been done...
So the lounge looks nice, except for the half finished mantle piece.

(Whenever I walk into our lounge I see this sign and get this song in my head:

Do the Hustle (or in my case, Do the Mantle)

But back to my offending office curtains, (which the Olsen twins have been fighting over for that bag-lady chic look, ever since the town homeless guy turned them down as bedding) they really are awful, brown, itchy, wool curtains, which I will get around to replacing one day...

So until I have my house fully renovated, I think I'll be left with my imaginary smarmy dead rockstar friend giving me bad renovation advice.

Are you a renovator or a D.I Y queen? I'm not...

If MacGuyver was a Stay At Home Mum...

The other day, my family and I went grocery shopping at our local IGA, as we generally do on a weekly basis.

As we’d finished, my other half remembered and item that we’d forgotten, and quickly ran back inside the supermarket to get it.
To keep my 2 boys amused while he was gone, I decided to treat them to that grabby-claw-machine-thing-that-grabs-dodgy-prizes.

This one is actually a good one. Not one of those machines with a really limp claw that couldn’t get a grip on a magnetically charged, super-glue covered, velcro ball.

Therefore, in the end, our machine booty consisted of: 1 very ugly teddy bear key ring, 1 plastic spinning top that lights up (which broke on its second use), and 1 bubble blowing tube of bubbly funstuffs!
I passed my eldest, Jasper, the plastic top, my youngest, Atticus, the tube of bubbles, and popped the ugly teddy bear keyring into my bag (where I have a rapidly growing ugly teddy bear keyring collection! Please don't spill water in my handbag, or feed my handbag after midnight) and we headed to the car.

As we were loading our groceries into the car, Jasper was inside the car and Atti was standing very close to us as to not run around the car park, or so I thought...

He had been shoving the tube of bubbles up the exhaust pipe! By the time we noticed what he was doing, the tube was stuck up there. My partner tried to get it out with the car keys and was getting completely frustrated. So I told him to get Atti in the car, and I’d deal with the exhaust.

I searched my handbag, found a bobby pin and channelled MacGuyver. I made the bobby pin into a claw shape, manoeuvred the ends in around the tube, and “hey presto”, easily pulled the tube out. I had saved the day!

Although I am slightly disappointed that we didn’t get to drive down the main street of town, leaving a trail of bubbles blown behind the car.

Look out for next week's installment of MacVoluptacon when I endevour to toilet train using polypiping, tree bark and orange juice. Will teach the kids to eat vegies with the aid of PVA glue ,a roll of butcher's paper and a map of Wisconsin. And will retrieve foreign objects from the ear canal using a spatula, the backlog of Reader's Digests from 1984 and a broken Soda Stream.

I don't think MacGuyver could cut it as a stay at home mum!

Pillow Talk

At the end of the day my partner and I like to relax and chat about the important issues in life and the world:

Adoption:
-"What If we adopted a child from Mongolia? A girl! I’d like to call her Genghis Larry and teach her traditional Mongolian throat singing".

Travelling:
-"I wonder if you could use alpacas like you can use horses? I wonder if you could harness them up to a gypsy caravan and go on holidays? How long would it take to get to Queensland you think?"

Death and funeral arrangements:
-"When I die, I want you to throw yourself onto my burning coffin like a hysterically grieving widow".
-"Ok then, but only if I can roll myself in the stuff that they coat Sparklers with first, then do it!".
-"Sure. Works for me!"



These are just a few examples of the conversations my partner and I have had once we get into bed after a long day.
Ok, Ok, we also we like to talk about the serious stuff and everyday stuff too, like work, the kiddies and whether we could turn our wheelie bins into robots and they can take themselves out (but only if that didn’t lead them to them running riot through the streets doing donuts, drag racing and generally being hoons. Can you imagine the scourge of wheelie bin hoons?)

But I seem to find that we talk better in the comfort of our own bed, like we are more relaxed and the lines of communication are more open.

I was wondering, do you and your partner talk at the end of the day? A basic daily round up? Talks about Life, the Universe and Everything? Primal grunting?
Where do you like to chat? In bed, on the couch, at the dinner table... or on a banana lounge drinking Fluffy Duck...?