Monday, August 30, 2010

Dear WM, by the time you read this...

I’m going to talk to you about a rather difficult relationship I am having at the moment. It’s something I need to unload. That is the relationship between myself and my washing machine.
My washing machine has become very unreliable, and I really can’t depend on it anymore. I have to think of the children(‘s constant pile of washing)!
I tried to confront it about its behaviour lately, but it went and ate my bath mat!


I honestly don’t know what to do. Our relationship used to be good, but over the past year, it has broken down constantly! I’ve had to call the repair man out about 6 times. And at $80 a visit from him, I just can’t support this habit of it’s anymore!  I’m going to have to break this vicious (spin)cycle.
I’ll give you another example of its capriciousness.
Today it broke down again (I’m thinking it was the after effects of the bath mat). So my 2 year old, Atti, and I had to take some washing to the Laundromat. No problem. Except we had 3 large bin bags full of washing to do, and I don’t have my drivers license. So I piled all 3 bags onto the pram and stuck Atti on top and we strolled down to the Laundromat, where we sat and enjoyed morning tea in the form of Fairy cakes from the Bakery over the road.

While it was a lovely outing, I can’t really afford to keep spending all that money on washing, while my washing machine lazes around at home watching Dr Phil and drinking 6-packs of fabric softener.
I think it’s definitely time to get a new washing machine and accept that our relationship has run its course, I shall rinse my hands of it.
Thank you for letting me get this (top or front-)load of my chest.

Would you survive long without your washing machine?

Ahhh...The things we do...

The things we do on a Friday night when we are bored and have had a “couple” of glasses of red wine.
Tonight I have been getting “creative”. (I feel I may have to apologise later for my flagrant overuse of “quotation marks” in this blog).
My best friend just got her “L’s” yesterday. We lived together throughout our 20’s and neither of is had our license (we lived in inner city Melbourne, which is the BEST city for Public Transport and never felt the need to drive). I got my L’s when I was 25 and have driven sporadically since, but since having kids I have felt the need to get my license.
My bestie has felt this also, and has finally got her L’s as well.
Yay for her!
So to celebrate. I have combined a couple of her favourite things and come up with a masterpiece:

1)Splayds...Cutlery...Kind of like “Sporks”, but Australian.


 2)Rock- In the form of one of the best songs ever- “Ace of Spades” by Motorhead.

Do you see where this is going?

I have designed her a t-shirt that we can wear while driving to give us confidence and motivation to get our licenses.
And here it is: The Ace of Splayds.


See! I told you I get creative when I’ve had a couple!

What happens when you relax of a Friday or Saturday night, and have a glass of wine or 2? Do you get a bit "talkative", "reflective" "creative" or “whatever”?

Ode to the sleepy Mummy

I’ve just been up all night, my children are obscene,

Don’t you dare talk to me, until I’ve had my caffeine.

I’ve poured milk in my juice, and juice in my percolator,

(Yeah, that’s going to make a great cup of coffee later!)

To catch the dropped sugar bowl, I reeeally had to lunge,

And I’ve just lightly toasted the dishwashing sponge.

I’ve brushed my teeth with hair gel, and tooth-pasted my hair,

And the kids have smeared breaky over what I’m s’posed to wear.

Just trying to concentrate is Olympic-like sport,

I’ll go to begin a sentence, and lose my train of...SQUIRREL,

Don’t give me diamonds, chocolates, perfume or flowers,

Because all I ever want is sleep a whole 8 hours!

When was the last time you got a decent sleep? What would you give for 8 hours of shut eye?

What kind of freak puts their baby in a tree?

How many of you have considered the violent nature of some of our supposedly most innocent of all songs, Nursery rhymes (I know some of you have)?

Take Rock a bye baby, not only have they shoved their poor child up the top of the tree, they’ve done it during high winds! And a tree so riddled with IBS (Irritable Bough Syndrome),that it ends up breaking, sending baby plummeting to earth!

Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. And down will come baby, cradle and all.”

Next up is Jack and Jill. A sad tale of woe featuring our two water collecting heros. Poor Jack ends up with severe head injuries, while Jill’s condition can only be guessed at.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown. And Jill came tumbling after.

I’ve heard of some women having shoe fetishes, but living inside footwear? The old woman lived inside a shoe with countless children. No wonder the woman was cranky enough to malnourish and beat them on a daily basis. Perhaps if it was a giant Manolo Blahnik she’d be more kind to the kiddies.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't  know what to do;
She gave them some broth without any bread,

Then whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.

Peter Peter pumpkin eater sounds like the most depraved man ever to live! He shoves his wife into a pumpkin (I can only hope the poor woman was humanely euthanised before this occurrence) and keeps her there.  Haven’t you heard? Pumpkin shells are the new way to preserve!

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater, Had a wife but couldn't keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell. And there he kept her very well.

And poor old  Humpty Dumpty:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men. Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Not only does he fall off a wall, but they send the kings horses to fix him. Medical negligence at its lowest point.  Have you ever seen a horse in scrubs? A horse performing micro surgery on an egg?

All the while many parents are afraid of their children coming across porn on the shelves of their local supermarket, or violence on TV, when some of the songs they are singing to them may be keeping therapists in jobs for decades to come.

What are some other supposedly innocent nursery rhymes are there?

50 ways to beat procrastination

41) Concentrate on the task at hand.

42) Start by setting fire to whatever you were supposed to do.... Laundry pile?... *whoosh!!!*... Not anymore!

43) Centre yourself and think...think...thiiiink...thinking...thiiii...Has that crack always been there on that wall?

44) Once you have been at your task for 33.7 seconds, eat a box of chocolates as a reward!

45) Don't think of tasks as WORK, think of them as FUN! If you've been putting off making that appointment at the Gynecologist's, why not ring up and sing for an appointment? "Heelloooooooooooo, I'd liiike to book in my Pap Smeeeeeeearrrrr!"

46) Involve the kiddies: They love to help, and it's free labor!

47) "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.": Unless there is an awesome show in TV, like Spicks and Specks last week with Barry Morgan’s World of Organs, Or The Gruen Transfer with that Old Spice Ad. Haha! Check them out!...Squirrel!

48) Set yourself realistic goals: Aim to only vacuum and mop the floors instead of dusting, vacuuming and mopping. If you can’t vacuum and mop, just vacuum. If you can’t vacuum, flick through a Trash-mag or watch the episode of “True Blood” you just downloaded. The important thing is, don’t exceed your limitations!

49) How do you beat procrastination? Procrastination is terrible at Poker, has a very bad poker face and tries to bluff constantly. So basically if you have anything better than 2 pair, or three of a kind you can usually kick its butt.

50) Just live with it, don’t worry about what you HAVE to do: I’m sure that you can just pop some glad wrap over your dishes and tell people you are studying pathologic processes of bacterium and rickettsia, specifically its ribonucleic acid, and the effects outside its typical function as oral flora, on the periphery of your plates, pots and may even get a grant!

Oh my god! Did you see that? My computer totally ate the first 40 points! You would have been amazed! You would have been astounded!
It was life affirming stuff...
Well I could go alllll the way over to “My documents” and copy/paste alllllllll of the word document I saved it on for you again. Just give us a few minutes...I’ll be back...I promise...

Have you got any tips for me on how to beat procrastination?

Is this something I should be worried about?

Fold Me.

Ummm, what the hell was that?

“Fold MEEEE”.

This time I definitely caught that, and it was coming from here...


My washing pile seems to have evolved into some kind of organic being!

“Pfft! You should have folded me when you had the chance!” It chuckled

as it sprang from its resting place and ran out the door.

From there it proceeded to go and jump on the trampoline.

After a busy 10 minutes it then declared “I’m thirsty!” and rushed back
inside to see what we had in the fridge.


Grabbing a beer, it settled itself in for an afternoon of watching TV.


What do I do?

It’s sitting on the couch, watching “Huey’s Kitchen” and writing down recipes.

Should I be afraid?

Should I wait until it’s passed out from too many beers, quickly fold it and put it away?
Or should I just let it go?
You never know, it might be making me something nice for dinner!

Guess The Mystery Object

oday I was cleaning out my laundry and I found this thing.


I was wondering if any of you could help me out with what it might be?

It has an electrical cord, so I know it's not an antique, I think it might be some kind of fandangled modern appliance.
I've had a few guesses as to what it might be:

I thought it may have been some kind of early sandwich press, but it took way too long to toast, it toasted unevenly, and it half steamed my ham sandwiches!


I tried to make a cup of tea out of it, but it I had difficulty trying to shove the teabag into the little hole.


I even lined up my boys cars, thinking I may have been able to race it down the slope to victory!
But it ran a dismal last, after not even moving...due to the fact it has no wheels.


I'm absolutely stumped as to what it might be! I hope someone out there can help me out, because it's driving me nuts!
It's obviously something that's not used regularly, or serves any great particular purpose, but on the other hand, I know it's not just ornamental either....
Maybe it's some kind of luxury car item, like a car accelerator warmer?

...Ahhh, I think I might just give up and use it to try and call someone who might know...